i woke up at 6 am, on the couch (i passed out there), unable to move. i had this terrible pain in my hip, under the surface but not in my joints. my first sleepy terrified thought was that a huge network of blood vessels had burst. then i wondered if i'd been voodooed. trying to roll over was too painful. i laid there and tried to stretch it (a centimetre or so was all i could manage) for a while before i could kind of roll off the couch and prop myself up to a walking position. it took me 5 minutes to take off my stockings. thankfully the bed is hip height so i could flop in pretty easily.
now, i'm still a mess. it hurts to cross my legs! fuck, i didn't even do anything, i worked last night, came home, hung out with ronan, and passed out in front of cold case files or some other such thing.
ah... such a feeb...
i dreamt i was in japan last night. i was watching the sky, it was moving, in reds and blacks and browns and greys, and then i realized it was the ocean, which came up in a wave, falling ankle deep on the sidewalk. there were white sand beaches where i was, and lots of slugs. and i was barefoot.
i've started the process:
all is in line for school. i will be starting a design class in november, and then into full time in january. ah, my student loans will be crazy. but i've got some tips about applying for interest reprieve, and there are a few bursaries available at my school.
ronan is talking about taking us to mexico in december. he's such a good inspiration (ok, in some ways). i mean, sure i can make a career out of fashion design. my boyfriend made a career out of art, for chrissakes. and by the way, things are really good with us. we've moved past the terrible barrier that was this year.
i am working tonight, and for once, not dreading it. i have goals to make this month- i need to bank quite a bit of money this month to cover all my bills (i missed my first national student loans payment, because it came out of an account i wasn't expecting... so i have to make that up if i want them to pay for my school). fuck i am so over waitressing. but then, how else could i only work three 6 hour shifts every week?
good movie list:
me, you, and everyone we know
the oct. 15 edition of 'ideas'
So i've started a livejournal community. Check it out!
Come by if you:
We can't wait to hear about it!
so i just woke up, so don't expect miracles here.
it's a beautifully grey day, and the spider plant is having a baby and fink came in drenched, at 9 am, meowing his head off (he was knocking stuff over at 630, so i kicked him out).
i've got coffee on, and it feels like we were away longer than one night.
victoria was nice; lovely, in fact.
we saw christa and got to spend a bit of time with her.
we also did a little shopping, here's what i got:
a few blue-green marbles
a yellow necklace (long and beady)
two children's books (one is i think my 4th copy of alice in wonderland, the other is this odd collection published in 1960... there was a series of them, partly stories, partly educational. i only picked up this one because it had pandora and the magic teakettle and how to sew a doll out of a stocking... it also has a huge section on america's glorious past, which gives you an idea of the vibe of most of them.)
a snow globe for aki.
actually my kids book collection is building up amazingly.
if anyone comes across:
the blue fairy book
the yellow fairy book
the red fairy book
oh please, pick it up for me, if it's reasonable. i have the green fairy book and i think it's my favorite of my collection so far.
anyways, i am going to be transferring to full time school in january (i think, so long as it all works out). i have talked to the department head, i just have to figure out student loans and stuff. i'm pretty excited about it. this would mean i will be completely done by this time next year.
also, i am doing good, generally speaking. my life is pretty okay.
ugh, after nearly everyone had left class, and there were only a few girls left, there was a bragging contest about terrible things that had happened to them/who had the most fucked up family. i kept my head down and worked.
courage, openness, lightness of heart, wide-eyed, greatful.
ugh, how cliche that it's thanksgiving.
i think we're going to have another halloween party. it was so lovely last year.
i have things to sort out.
ok, frankly, i'm a mess.
i've decided i'm going to post a series of purges. write down all the bad stuff. from memory, from my overactive brain, from the dark tarpit that's accumulating in my heart.
thomas edison used to hold a spoon between two fingers over a tin plate, as he sat down for a nap.
he would think about a problem he was trying to sort out as he drifted off, and when he reached a certain level of un-consciousness, the spoon would drop, hit the plate, and wake him up. apparently he often found insight this way.
how absolutely lovely and elegant.
i realized my hometown best friend is often in my dreams. she is often with me, when i am trying to overcome physical impossibilities. last night, it was climbing up a portion of a mountain path, sandy and improbably steep (trying to climb up something rediculously steep is also prolific, and failing at it, or giving up). but this time, i felt confident i could do it- and i started up, but suddenly stopped. a lion, enormous, was right above us. a lion, but with a mane of platinum blonde hair. like a wig, straight. somehow we managed to trap it in a small box (probably influenced by a russian fairy tale i was reading last night), and we put all sorts of things in the box. water, and milk. i wasn't sure if we were trying to kill it or keep it alive, drown it or feed it (though i didn't have that conscious thought at the time). but then we were inside, and i let it out the window, like a spider in a jar, and it stood in front of me, looking at me through the glass. rediculously wet, dripping, and looking at me with big sad eyes like aslan. and once again i was surprised by its odd mane.
this was the one reprieve from my nightmares, which were full of confusion, powerlessness, desperation, and humiliation. i kept trying to regain my power, but circumstantially it fell away and left me worse than before. i woke up at 5 am, from this eternal dream, watched an episode of the jetsons (i'd left the tv on the cartoon network), and fell straight back into it.
but it ended in a note of hope, a sad hope, not the one i was hoping for, but a distraction, at least. in a man with a purple goatee, in the shape of 4 purple spots that went up his chin, but sometimes the upper and lower spots disappeared, and there were only two. he kissed me, and said sheepishly, "sometimes i kiss you," (this was a bit of a surprise, and i realized that surely he must kiss me sometimes, though i didn't remember such a thing) "but sometimes i'm embarassed." and two of his goatee spots disappeared. and right then i woke up.
it is a very strange feeling, to meet someone in a dream, and miss them terribly when you wake up.